Segway Scooters
Sick and tired of having to be handicapped/disabled to enjoy the ease and convenience of a wheelchair?
Do you have two good legs but don't want to deal with the hassle of walking?
Segway Riders: You look ridiculous. You have too much money. You are a lazy asshole.
"Business Opportunities"
Ever sit through a shameless pitch for a "unbelievable business opportunity", with a twenty-something douche wearing a pressed shirt, sleeves rolled, yellow tie, and khaki's who methodically explains how you'll become rich by following a simple business format, all the while his flourescent white teeth are clashing with his orange-ish tan, his hands moving in a confident, reassuring manner; making strategic eye contact so it seems like he's talking directly to you?
Sounds o.k. until you find out you're selling a disgusting energy juice door-to-door in rural Kentucky. Or water purification "systems" that could save your life if terrorists attack the water supply in Blanchard, Oklahoma.
If you can get five friends to join though, you could potentially make $350-a-month minus the $250 you have to pay up front for the product, time spent traveling between encounters that may or may not leave you paralyzed when Cleatus shoots you in the spine, and the alcohol you'll consume to kill the pain of telling your significant other that you spent the rent on 100 bottles of acai-pomegranate-raspberry kool-aid energy drink.
People that participate in these businesses: The only reason people buy your crap is because you're a deceitful dick. It's a pyramid scheme, you're not fooling anyone. You are a lazy asshole.
Dinner Mints
A peppermint candy from the hostess podium, or with your check, can be very refreshing after a meal. The same is not true of cinnamon-flavored candy.
Some dick-weed suit at the candy factory got the bright idea to make them look exactly the same.
Exclamation Points!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you write something that you feel warrants an exclamation point, just use one.
Which is more obnoxious?
-I found twenty bucks on the street!
-I found twenty bucks on the street!!!!!!!!
It doesn't get the point across any more to put seven exclamation points at the end of a sentence.
Bluetooth Headsets
Is it that hard to lift a phone to your ear?
(In line at the grocery store)
Sexy Lady with head tilted slightly left: Are we still on for dinner tonight?
Me: Wha...I...sure, sounds good. Do I know you?
Sexy Lady with head tilted slightly right, looking at me as if I have a ten-inch booger hanging from my nose: Uh, no no just some creepy guy said something...
EAT SHIT, ASS! Your not trading stocks or locked in a multi-million dollar corporate takeover.
Lift the phone to your ear, lazy asshole.
Afterthought...
People that eat with chopsticks at Asian restaurants suck.
Whoooo, you can eat your food really slowly and get hand cramps for the sake of appearing "culturally aware."
