Urinal Etiquette

Some argue that being able to urinate standing up is one of the major perks associated with being male. I have to agree as it has served me well in many situations like: camping, ball games, road trips, freezing toilet seats, etc.

On occasion however, there are very uncomfortable situations that arise when one opts to pee in the upright position.

These "occurrences" usually happen in men's rooms. Several times I've strutted into the bathroom only to find all urinals being used except the one sandwiched between two co-workers I am familiar with. A predicament ensues.

Do I:

-Go into a stall, where others may think it strange that I stand and pee into a bowl near the floor instead of utilizing the efficient and comfortable urinal.

-Use the open urinal and inevitably decided whether or not to acknowledge the person standing next to me, junk in hand.

If I do take the open urinal, is it wrong to ignore a co-worker or acquaintance?

Can I nod politely and get down to business?

Must I make eye and/or verbal contact?

If he makes contact with me, how long am I obligated to carry conversation?

What topics are taboo at this point? Politics? Sports? Work? Relationships?

I find conversation really detrimental to my concentration and can stifle my "flow" or stop it all together. This is a dreaded condition commonly known as "stage fright."

There's not many acceptable excuses for having your hand on your genitalia for a minute-and-a-half if your not peeing. It's just awkward.

Hockey Players: The Biggest Bad Asses in Professional Sports

Ever since Brian Boitano, guys on ice-skates make me uncomfortable, but one truth that can not be denied is this:

Hockey Players are the baddest MOFO's in professional sports.

Here's why...

1-Scheduling: Combine the game frequency of basketball with the intensity of football.

82 grueling regular season games? Holy Shit. Not to mention exhibition play and post-season. Do you think Adrian Petersen, Lebron James, or A-Rod could handle that type of abuse?

Hell no.

They'd be out for the season three minutes and 22 seconds into the opener with severed ears and compressed spines.

2-It's played on ice: Ever go ice skating on a date? You get around the rink a few times and just when you start to feel confident and really turn on the juice you fall flat on your ass?

Painful, right?

Now imagine the way you ended up on your backside was courtesy of a 200-pound gorilla going 20+ m.p.h. and crushing your lower face with the whiskey barrels he calls shoulders.

Get back up pussy, you have 81 more games until the postseason.

3-Complete disregard for personal appearance:

It's proven that dentists in cities where people play hockey do 56% more business than those in non-hockey towns.

Massive scars and gaping holes in their teeth are worn like badges of honor. That my friends, is bad-ass.

These guys make Harry Potter look like a little lightning bolt bitch.

4-Lastly and most importantly, Clint Malarchuk: During a game on March 22, 1989, Malarchuk -- a goalie for the Buffalo Sabres -- had his carotid artery severed by another player's skate.

Blood poured onto the ice and he nearly died right then and there.

A former Army medic who had served in Vietnam had to reach in and PINCH THE ARTERY CLOSED until doctors could suture it up.

Malarchuk spent one night in the hospital, practiced four days later, and started at goal just over a week after the incident.

Still not convinced?

**Warning** Do NOT watch the video if you are at all squeamish.

If you decide to view it anyway, here's a trick to make it less horrifying: Pretend the hockey game is a big Italian wedding and Malarchuck is in charge of bringing the delicious marinara sauce for the penne, which he then spills all over the ice...from his neck.

Enjoy!