Robert Burdick

It's not like I hung out with the guy.

Bob was usually found sitting on a milk crate by the loading dock rolling tobacco into paper. Even the mornings I came in at six, he'd be planted there puffing away, raising his hand as I walked past.

Conversation was limited to his chuckling when Gil insulted my cooking, or talking about the Jazz with Thomas Jackson while he sorted the dishes and put them back on the shelves.

He didn't move fast, nor slow. He didn't do a great job, but he was always there, slogging away on a perpetual stack of dishes.

I took the call during a lunch rush. A friend of Bob's said he was sick and wouldn't be in for a few days. I heard later he had pneumonia and was in the hospital. Three days after that Jenny said they'd taken him off life support because Bob had no money or insurance.

That was the end of Robert Burdick.

What Sucks About Being Really Fat #21: You never get a really good seat at the movies 'cause you can only make it up a few rows of stairs.

Things I Dislike


Segway Scooters


Sick and tired of having to be handicapped/disabled to enjoy the ease and convenience of a wheelchair?


Do you have two good legs but don't want to deal with the hassle of walking?


Segway Riders: You look ridiculous. You have too much money. You are a lazy asshole.

"Business Opportunities"


Ever sit through a shameless pitch for a "unbelievable business opportunity", with a twenty-something douche wearing a pressed shirt, sleeves rolled, yellow tie, and khaki's who methodically explains how you'll become rich by following a simple business format, all the while his flourescent white teeth are clashing with his orange-ish tan, his hands moving in a confident, reassuring manner; making strategic eye contact so it seems like he's talking directly to you?


Sounds o.k. until you find out you're selling a disgusting energy juice door-to-door in rural Kentucky. Or water purification "systems" that could save your life if terrorists attack the water supply in Blanchard, Oklahoma.


If you can get five friends to join though, you could potentially make $350-a-month minus the $250 you have to pay up front for the product, time spent traveling between encounters that may or may not leave you paralyzed when Cleatus shoots you in the spine, and the alcohol you'll consume to kill the pain of telling your significant other that you spent the rent on 100 bottles of acai-pomegranate-raspberry kool-aid energy drink.


People that participate in these businesses: The only reason people buy your crap is because you're a deceitful dick. It's a pyramid scheme, you're not fooling anyone. You are a lazy asshole.




Dinner Mints

A peppermint candy from the hostess podium, or with your check, can be very refreshing after a meal. The same is not true of cinnamon-flavored candy.

Some dick-weed suit at the candy factory got the bright idea to make them look exactly the same.


Exclamation Points!!!!!!!!!!!!!


If you write something that you feel warrants an exclamation point, just use one.


Which is more obnoxious?


-I found twenty bucks on the street!


-I found twenty bucks on the street!!!!!!!!


It doesn't get the point across any more to put seven exclamation points at the end of a sentence.




Bluetooth Headsets


Is it that hard to lift a phone to your ear?


(In line at the grocery store)
Sexy Lady with head tilted slightly left: Are we still on for dinner tonight?
Me: Wha...I...sure, sounds good. Do I know you?
Sexy Lady with head tilted slightly right, looking at me as if I have a ten-inch booger hanging from my nose: Uh, no no just some creepy guy said something...


EAT SHIT, ASS! Your not trading stocks or locked in a multi-million dollar corporate takeover.


Lift the phone to your ear, lazy asshole.




Afterthought...


People that eat with chopsticks at Asian restaurants suck.


Whoooo, you can eat your food really slowly and get hand cramps for the sake of appearing "culturally aware."

Top Ten Worst Songs to be Playing in the Background as You Dump Someone

10. Hot, Hot, Hot - Buster Poindexter

9. Something to Believe In - Poison

8. All My Life - K-Ci and JoJo

7. Love Shack - The B-52's Probably more for it's upbeat, irritating tempo as opposed to lyrical content

6. I Gotta Feeling (Tonight's Gonna be a Good Night) - Black Eyed Peas

5. (I'm the One Who Wants) To Be With You - Mr. Big

4. It's All Coming Back to Me Know - Celine Dion

3. Any Song Richard Marx has done

2. I Will Always Love You - Whitney Houston

1. (Everything I do) I do it for you - Bryan Adams

Did I miss any? Feel free to add to this list, I know you have some good ones (Especially you Jamie Sanders from Cedar Ridge Middle School, 1995. Jerk.)

Sign of the Times?

Driving home on my lunch break today I saw this real bad-ass biker guy--leather vest, burly beard, grease on his face, spitting tobacco--you know the type.

He pulled up to the light I was stopped at and slightly revved the motor... on his silver vespa.

It reminded me of another time I was on Harrison Blvd. I saw a guy riding his motorcycle with one hand and talking on a cell phone with the other.

Really?

What could possibly be so important it would compel you to answer your phone?

"Dude. I need some help, are you busy?"

"Nah, it's cool. I'm just driving. What's up?"

"Is your window down?"

"No I'm on my bike."

"If I shave off all my body hair will it really grow back thicker and darker?"

BAM!

Motorbike guy hits a telephone pole, his friend shaves every square inch of his body, that guy's girlfriend dumps him, he's distraught and goes to work as a waiter at TGI Friday's where he messes up my order.

I said Jack Daniels chicken, not flat iron steak, moron.

Urinal Etiquette

Some argue that being able to urinate standing up is one of the major perks associated with being male. I have to agree as it has served me well in many situations like: camping, ball games, road trips, freezing toilet seats, etc.

On occasion however, there are very uncomfortable situations that arise when one opts to pee in the upright position.

These "occurrences" usually happen in men's rooms. Several times I've strutted into the bathroom only to find all urinals being used except the one sandwiched between two co-workers I am familiar with. A predicament ensues.

Do I:

-Go into a stall, where others may think it strange that I stand and pee into a bowl near the floor instead of utilizing the efficient and comfortable urinal.

-Use the open urinal and inevitably decided whether or not to acknowledge the person standing next to me, junk in hand.

If I do take the open urinal, is it wrong to ignore a co-worker or acquaintance?

Can I nod politely and get down to business?

Must I make eye and/or verbal contact?

If he makes contact with me, how long am I obligated to carry conversation?

What topics are taboo at this point? Politics? Sports? Work? Relationships?

I find conversation really detrimental to my concentration and can stifle my "flow" or stop it all together. This is a dreaded condition commonly known as "stage fright."

There's not many acceptable excuses for having your hand on your genitalia for a minute-and-a-half if your not peeing. It's just awkward.

Hockey Players: The Biggest Bad Asses in Professional Sports

Ever since Brian Boitano, guys on ice-skates make me uncomfortable, but one truth that can not be denied is this:

Hockey Players are the baddest MOFO's in professional sports.

Here's why...

1-Scheduling: Combine the game frequency of basketball with the intensity of football.

82 grueling regular season games? Holy Shit. Not to mention exhibition play and post-season. Do you think Adrian Petersen, Lebron James, or A-Rod could handle that type of abuse?

Hell no.

They'd be out for the season three minutes and 22 seconds into the opener with severed ears and compressed spines.

2-It's played on ice: Ever go ice skating on a date? You get around the rink a few times and just when you start to feel confident and really turn on the juice you fall flat on your ass?

Painful, right?

Now imagine the way you ended up on your backside was courtesy of a 200-pound gorilla going 20+ m.p.h. and crushing your lower face with the whiskey barrels he calls shoulders.

Get back up pussy, you have 81 more games until the postseason.

3-Complete disregard for personal appearance:

It's proven that dentists in cities where people play hockey do 56% more business than those in non-hockey towns.

Massive scars and gaping holes in their teeth are worn like badges of honor. That my friends, is bad-ass.

These guys make Harry Potter look like a little lightning bolt bitch.

4-Lastly and most importantly, Clint Malarchuk: During a game on March 22, 1989, Malarchuk -- a goalie for the Buffalo Sabres -- had his carotid artery severed by another player's skate.

Blood poured onto the ice and he nearly died right then and there.

A former Army medic who had served in Vietnam had to reach in and PINCH THE ARTERY CLOSED until doctors could suture it up.

Malarchuk spent one night in the hospital, practiced four days later, and started at goal just over a week after the incident.

Still not convinced?

**Warning** Do NOT watch the video if you are at all squeamish.

If you decide to view it anyway, here's a trick to make it less horrifying: Pretend the hockey game is a big Italian wedding and Malarchuck is in charge of bringing the delicious marinara sauce for the penne, which he then spills all over the ice...from his neck.

Enjoy!